read & download ¶ PDF, eBook or Kindle ePUB Ü Anthony Rao
I started reading this book after receiving my son's kindergarten progress report.....which I think is not accurate. Thomas is a fidgeter and doesn't sit still longer than a minute, constantly moving, doesn't pay attention and gets distracted easily. This book is teaching me that Thomas is a boy and boys learn differently, they develop slower than girls and they explore their surroundings in many different ways.... The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World Rao has some good things to say about time outs and boys’ socializing in different ways as they develop, and I certainly track a lot to my own son, so it’s helpful there. And some of the broader points are well made about embracing the positive sides of challenging personalities, rather than focusing on the negative manifestations.
There’s clearly an axe to grind here with people who over-diagnose learning disabilities or ADHD, to the point that a huge portion of the book is coaching parents on how to resist schools’ jumps to diagnosis. Probably a fair point, and undoubtedly something I’d appreciate if I were in that situation, but a point made far too many times here.
And at the risk of exposing my own prejudices: I realize some things are biological, and I don’t have any science necessarily to dispute the idea that boys have a harder time with empathy. But I feel like it’s problematic to go in assuming they’re less capable of empathy, talk about feelings, etc. - like we’re making them into conditioned male stereotypes before even getting a chance to see who they are.
I also felt like this was pitched squarely and explicitly at moms as primary caregivers, and it seems like a big lack to not address parenting by dads - both because it assumes no fatherly parenting duties and because of the gendered nature of the book in general. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World This was the best parenting book I've ever read. Not so much because it tells you how to fix everything (though there is some of that), but more because it is a huge relief to read that all the craziness going on in your house is totally normal, a lot of it is healthy and desirable, it will pass, and all will be well. Loved this book. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World Dr. Anthony Rao recently spoke at our local high school (cheers to our district!) about the developmental challenges and unrealistic cultural expectations boys face. His book The Way of Boys: Promoting the Social and Emotional Development of Young Boys was published in 2009, however I was unfamiliar with Rao and his work until I attended his lecture last month. I enjoyed his presentation and was highly motivated to read his book.
As the parent of a middle schooler, I wish this book was on my radar sooner. Dr. Rao assures parents that most developmental challenges are normal and frames them as opportunities for growth, in opposition to the common view that such challenges are pathological and in need of an immediate fix.
Most educational settings require boys to behave in ways that are not developmentally appropriate. Pre-school age boys are generally not designed to share, sit still, and keep their hands to themselves. This does not indicate pathology, or an inability to eventually learn those skills at an appropriate age. Teachers are more likely to encourage early testing and diagnosis for young boys than girls. Rao suggests that this is due to a lack of understanding of the range of normal boy behavior, particularly by teachers who are primarily female. This is not to say that women are not capable of understanding boys, but that it may not come naturally. Reading The Way of Boys has helped me to understand boys, and dare I say it- men, much more than I had just 2 months ago.
Fathers and male teachers often take a different view of boy behavior and are more inclined to understand why boys act as they do. Rao gives many reassuring and illuminating examples from his work with parents and their boys. He describes working with families where the mother is totally perplexed by her son's behavior while the father totally gets it. One example that made an impression on me was Rao commenting that mothers often think that very little talking is going on his sessions with their son, yet the father's perception is that a lot of talking is going on. Mothers have unrealistic expectations if they expect boys (and men) to communicate, respond, and behave as girls might. Rao does not blame mothers, but rather works with them to view their sons and boy's behavior in a new light.
While Rao asserts that ADHD, Aspergers, and other conditions are often over- or mis- diagnosed, he is not saying that these disorders do not exist at all or cannot benefit from treatment. He challenges parents and teachers to look beyond the label, offers behavioral approaches to help manage behavior, and believes that pharmaceuticals are only necessary in rare cases. He encourages a wait and see approach (with the exception of indicators of autism) viewing developmental challenges as opportunities for growth rather than as troubling behavior that must be squashed.
Rao's book gives parents confidence that most boy behavior is normal and offers positive strategies to guide behavior, when appropriate, and give ourselves and children the confidence that everything is going to be OK. He wants us to remember that your own boy's struggle is really his greatest source of strength... A bossy boy is learning to lead. A shy boy is learning to observe the world closely. A tinkerer is learning to fix. A daydreamer is learning to create. All boys have special skills and special struggles, and often the two are linked. Rao explains how boys are wired so that parents and teachers can support and coach them. His book also offers practical advice on how to manage bullying behaviors, alternatives to time-outs, and working cooperatively with teachers and school administrators.
I would encourage parents of young boys to read this book before their son starts school or at anytime there are developmental concerns. I also think this book should be required reading for every teacher and anyone who works with boys. Highly recommended.
The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World I'm sorry to say this, but boys generally don't take turns or share because they want to be nice. For many young boys, it's about keeping a playmate in the gameso they can try and beat him. Pg. 60, Empathy, Chapter 4, He's A Bully
OK. So - as a woman I found this perspective entertaining. As a holder of an elementary education college degree I found this perspective fascinating. And as a mother of a nearly 4 year old boy I found this perspective empowering.
Dr. Rao has a practice a few towns away from where I live and if I can't get his book's insight to work I may just pick up the phone and bring him directly into my son's world. But the way that he illustrates his solutions is so clear and logical, I am not finding it challenging to grasp and put into action.
My great takeaway is that today's society puts pressure on parents, educators and medical providers to plop our kids into categories and compare them - often unfairly - leading to inaccurate or unnecessary diagnoses that can be harmful to the kids and people who care for them now and down the road. And Dr. Rao's opinion is that boys are more frequently found in these predicaments because their development track and learning style is generally different than what is expected or necessary in the learning environments they find themselves in.
Dr. Rao wants the world to learn about the way of boys and be patient with them. Even children who are legitimately medicated for a condition such as ADHD will still benefit more from behavioral skills and solutions in concert with the pills they take versus just pills alone. I highly value this more patient approach, and was willing to listen to his suggestions.
The solutions are actually your basic, old-school common sense. When your kid acts out, he has time away. Not a time out. Time away is being sent to your room. Away from the action that he really wants to be a part of. In a place where he is safe, and free to let the anger/frustration/sadness out. To self-calm at his own pace. Not for a set period of minutes that may be too short or too long for this particular instance, as you find in the typical time out. That when your kid acts out, they are given a consequence first, and then an explanation. You throw something, it gets taken away and then you state toys aren't for throwing, this is mine now. Hmmm. Go to your room. Shoot first, ask questions later. Sounds a lot like how I was raised. The only advice different from what I experienced was NO LECTURES!
Kids don't listen when they're in the throes of anger. They don't grasp complex concepts. Hell, they don't grasp simple concepts - they're still learning, growing. Lay out boundaries and guidelines. Enforce them. And reinforce them. Be consistent. Stay calm. And find a never-ending reservoir of patience.
I am overly simplifying Dr. Rao's message here. But it is really really hard to do these things. So many parents take what appears to be the easy way out and end up creating long-term issues unintentionally. We do this without even realizing it. We offer to help instead of letting them struggle to learn for themselves. We play referee over every dispute instead of letting them duke it out and learn how to negotiate their needs and desires. We hold them too close when they need to be shown they can survive without us.
It was most interesting to hear HOW boys grow and develop - the way they approach the world and how they absorb its lessons. Boys and girls ARE different. I always thought that was just a stereotype - girls like dolls and boys like trucks. Girls want to play house while boys want to play sports. And that is oversimplifying it again. But in general, girls are just built to play together instead of competing against. They have empathy much earlier. They want to look at you and can stay still longer at a younger age. Boys are not interested in face time and need to move more often. They are wired differently. They just are. Within boys, there are wide ranges of behavior, just as there are with girls. There are shy boys and gregarious boys. Neither are good or bad. They are what they are. And we just need a guide to help us (moms especially) navigate their path. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World
Update: I will buy and re-read this book as I go through the school years with my boys. Great thoughts of ADD, over-diagnosis of normal boy behavior, and how to discipline boys in a way that works.
Original: I haven't yet finished, but I have to share this book with you already because it is clarifying so many things about my son as I read it. Granted, my son is a bit different from most boys, and yet I see so much in this book that I recognize in him. It explains why some of the things that work for us discipline-wise actually work. LOVE LOVE LOVE. If you're parenting a toddler boy, you need to read this. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World OMG I wish I had this book about five or six years ago. It might have saved me some heartache.
I need to own this book. I read He's a Bully! today and I want to make all kinds of notes all over the place. This author REALLY knows his stuff.
My only complaint - how to implement with not one but THREE boys. (in all fairness, most parenting books tend to dispense advice and tips that are easier to implement in a vacuum, or when there's only one child; it's the real-life implementation with which I'm struggling)
--------
I've finally finished. This book gives amazing insight to how boys think. My only complaint, which is the same for most books of this ilk, is that it lacks real tools to help me in my day-to-day struggles. That said, I do realize how difficult it is to provide that in any kind of book. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World I think this is my favorite, most helpful parenting book I’ve ever read. I have 4 kids - two daughters who are notably older than my two sons. Having boys came as rather a shock to me, and their different needs and way of developing were harder for me to adjust to, especially not understanding what was “normal”.
I’ve read many parenting books over the course of more than a decade of raising children, and I think this is such a great book because it is ENCOURAGING, insightful, practical and offers easy to apply specifics that aren’t super involved. There were definite times when he referenced what a mother thought or said or struggled with in her child that I have struggled with myself, exactly!
I loved that he explained the history behind Time Outs and described the use of “Time Away” instead, and why it is beneficial. We have certainly found this to be true with our boys but I struggled with how to explain it and why it felt different than a time out (which is punishment and being left alone; time away is not that).
It is hard for me to summarize the book entirely but I will say that as a Christian homeschooling mom, this is not in any way coming from a religious perspective and it actually is probably even more effective if you have boys attending traditional schools. (I rather skimmed the portion about relating with teachers and the school because I am both!)
I think this book is probably most helpful for anyone raising boys ages 0-14 but could be a wonderfully insightful book for grandparents, extended family, definitely teachers, and more...
Here is an excerpt from the beginning of the end of the book, in the chapter titled “What Will He Be Like as a Grown Man?” which I feel summarizes the book best:
“...the vast majority of parenting books view developmental challenges as abnormal and not as opportunities for growth. Most of these books encourage parents to view most troublesome behavior as pathological. Worried parents who look for an explanation of their sons’ behavior will find these books filled with lists of behaviors, called symptoms, along with a ready-made diagnosis. These books encourage parents to be vigilant, to look for trouble in their sons’ behaviors. They offer up scary stories about kids who have failed in life or suffered terribly because they didn’t get help early enough.
I take the opposite approach. As a child psychologist who has worked with kids for more than 20 years, I can happily say that most boys, even those with early struggles, will grow up healthy and well. I want parents to relax. They are surprised when I tell them that they should imagine their sons all grown up and happy and thanking them for all their hard work as a parent. I can tell them this because I have seen the contrasts between the boys that came into my office years ago, some with problems that seemed serious at the time, and the capable young men they have become.” (p.243-244) The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World This book was comforting and eye opening at the same time. I took a lot of notes! Its basic premise is, first, that raising boys really is different from raising girls and requires different approaches. Second, that our society needs to stop medicating boys and deeming them overactive and start understanding what the real range of normal behaviors are for boys. Third, that we need to restructure our teaching techniques to suit boys' learning styles and needs, instead of trying to constantly squeeze them into the predominantly female-based teaching approaches parents (moms) and schools typically employ. Some key points I learned:
- Boys often have regression periods just before major developmental leaps. When these happen, the best way to deal with them is to be patient and wait them out.
- In most cases, it's not the boy who has the problem; it's the people in his life who have a problem dealing with him. Touche!
- Boys shut down and get aggressive when (1) things get crowded, (2) they feel competition, (3) they're anxious and overwhelmed. At preschool age, they'll do better with divided play areas where there are fewer kids, and where they can focus and feel safe.
- Adult interference and help for shy kids doesn't help and should be avoided. The adults are the ones bothered by the shy behavior, not the kids. The shy kids actually need less attention (in the moment) so that they have no incentive to stay by your side.
- Sometimes kids' behaviors are determined by parent behaviors, as in she has allowed him to ignore her.
- The solution for boys who can't sit still, melt down frequently, and fidget a lot is more physical activity, preferably informally (just running around outside).
- The most popular organized sports for boys (baseball, soccer) aren't the best for them. The sports that make the biggest positive impact on boys are martial arts, swimming, gymnastics, and maybe dance. Think small groups (or individual) and low competition.
There's a great deal more I could share, including plenty of practical, in-the-moment techniques for discipline, interacting with teachers and school problems, and helping kids through behavior adjustments. For the purposes of this review, it's enough to say that this is a great book that taught me a lot, and I'd recommend it to any parents of boys. It's one I'd like to own so that I could refer to it easily later on. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World Whew! This book took me 8-months to finish; even though I really liked it, I much prefer reading fiction!!! :)
I started out liking this book, and seeing exactly what he's describing while he describes normal boy behavior. But as he went on, I'm not agreeing with him as much.
However, I have tons of tags in this book, and it's a great reference. Perhaps he doesn't give many solutions to problems, but the author helps you realize that boys sometimes take a little more time to become socially acceptable than girls do. Sometimes I wish my friends with only girls would read this book to see that really, Toby's not such a bad kid!
p.110: Three-and four-year-olds can play simple games, such as Candy Land, but parents need to understand that these boys are going to try to cheat. They will take extra turns, skip over the board pieces, and just work things out so that they win every time. That's not a terrible thing. Let them cheat. It's a good thing, in fact, for boys (and girls) this age to gain self-esteem from winning.
I don't agree with letting them cheat, because I feel if you let them do it once they're going to keep doing it. I do agree with letting them win more than they lose (his concept on p. 113), which, okay, means I'm going to cheat at times, but he won't know it and he will still get to gain the self-esteem from winning - some times.
Quotes I need to remember/reference:
p. 73: Many parents expect their sons to learn faster than can be expected, given their developmental level. They are fooled by their sons' strength, physical confidence, size, or cleverness in other areas. They assume that their boy s can learn new self-control skills at the same fast clip as, say, their athletic or mathematical abilities. They use themselves as a comparison, or older children, or children who aren't struggling with these behaviors. That's a mistake. Never be fooled by bright kids. They still need time to decipher, decode, process, store, and rehearse in order to learn a new skill. With your guidance and patience, your boy can learn, too.
p.79: Of of the first things I say to parents of boys who are having trouble paying attention and sitting still in at school, or who are tearing through the house at home, is that they've got to get more activity in their son's daily routine.....Think big, gross motor movements. A young boy needs ways to release energy and rehearse moving his legs and arms - walking, running, jumping, rolling, tumbling' and kicking for the large muscles of his lower body; twisting, throwing, tossing (catching comes later on), and other big arm movements for his upper body. Boys at this age should be encouraged to freely move in a fun and playful way...
p. 264 Three Basic tenets of parenting great boys:
Clear rules and boundaries
Consequences before lectures
Rewards for each milestone. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World
The Way of Boys by renowned psychologist Dr. Anthony Rao is an important wake-up call to the dangers of over-medicating our male children and our current tendency to treat their active boyhood as an illness. Dr. Rao raises a much-needed alarm in this essential volume that belongs in every parent’s collection alongside Raising Cain by Michael Thompson. In these time when many parents, concerned about ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome, and bipolar disorder, may be dangerously misinterpreting their young sons’ healthy, normal development process, The Way of Boys is must reading. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World