Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life By Mark Goulston
I am always looking for good books about therapy to broaden my knowledge-base and therapeutic skills . There are a lot of good books, and now I've found a new favorite. Why? Because it is packed with information, that can be used by everyone. Talking to crazy will make your life better, I am sure of it. Another thing: He has started a conversation project to help even more people communicate and heal each other. He writes: We can heal the world: One conversation at a time. This speaks directly to my own therapists heart and mind, and it will speak to you too. So if you want a better life, read this.
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life Книга із розряду self-help. У к��жного з нас є хоча б одна/один знайома/ий, які час від часу поводяться нераціонально, стають такими собі «психами». Саме про такий тип людей і як собі дати з ними раду, розповідає Марк Ґоулстон. Автор дає досить чіткі інструкції, як діяти в тій чи іншій ситуації. Як поводитися із повсякденними психами, із психами-колегами чи начальниками, ну і, звісно, з рідними. Більша частина книги - саме про те, як впоратися з цими «психами». Є й інша частина. Про людей із психічними розладами, які потребують професійної допомоги. Тут ідеться про те, як схилити людей до прийняття цієї допомоги й усвідомити, що вона їм потрібна.
Про ефективність усіх підходів сказати нічого не можу, бо не використовувала жодного в реальному житті. Читати і купувати, напевно, тільки тим, хто дійсно користуватиметься методами і підходами у поведінці з реальними людьми. Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life Главная проблема перевода этой книги на русский язык — её название. Ибо в оригинале ни о каких мудаках речи нет, там слово «crazy». То есть более корректный перевод — это «Как разговаривать с сумасшедшими». Однако ради привлечения внимания редакторы решили извернуться. Кого-то действительно привлекли, однако в реальности книга совсем не о том, о чём нам говорит её обложка.
Я решил прочитать эту книгу как своеобразное продолжение книги «Не работайте с м*даками» Роберта Саттона. Но оказалось, что общего тут ни на грош. Однако книга — намного лучше, чем я ожидал по её странному названию.
Автор — практикующий психолог, который по своей работе много общается со странными, безумными людьми. И он на примерах показывает, как можно общаться с людьми, которых мы считаем невыносимыми.
Начинает он с небольшой классификации сумасшедших, описывая возможные механизмы безумия, чтобы уже затем разобрать, как стоит поступать в каждом отдельном случае. Интересно, что на примерах он показывает, что большая часть проблем кроется в детстве, в принципах воспитания. И это накладывает отпечаток на всю будущую жизнь.
Затем он объясняет, что движет безумцем, какой у него образ мыслей. И плавно подводит, что любой из нас в той или иной степени тоже безумен. Поэтому первым делом нужно научиться справляться с безумцем внутри себя, не идти у него на поводу, даже когда очень и очень хочется. Ведь иногда с безумцем вообще лучше не говорить. Не только потому что это не приведёт к нужному результату, а также и потому, что может навредить обоим. Ближе к концу книги он чётко говорит, что в особо тяжёлых случаях без профессионала не обойтись, и попытка решить проблему самостоятельно может привести в том числе к летальному исходу.
Вообще, интересно, что вопрек�� названию, автор рассказывает про вполне обыденные истории: трудный в общении коллега, постаревшие родители с другими взглядами на жизнь, и т.д. Причём многие из них на самом деле желают вам лучшего. Именно поэтому мне так не понравилось русское название. Согласитесь, странно называть своих родителей мудаками просто потому, что иногда вы не можете найти общий язык. Да и сумасшедшими тоже, если честно.
Вторая часть книги — это краткое описание методик, которые можно применять в зависимости от конкретной ситуации и конкретного типа так называемого «безумия». Я умышленно тут взял слово «безумие» в кавычки, поскольку порой мы называем мудаками и сумасшедшими любого, кто ведёт себя нерационально (пусть порой и только на наш взгляд).
Часть этих методов вполне может помочь в повседневном общении с трудными людьми. Другие — для более тяжёлых случаев, и такие методы требуют уже хорошей подготовки.
В целом книга помогает по-другому посмотреть на проблему, найти зерно рациональности даже там, где в окружающем мире вам всё кажется безумием. Я лично нашёл несколько очень интересных методов, которые уже помогли мне улучшить взаимодействие.
Самое полезное — это что книга учит увидеть безумца и в себе. А это уже, так сказать, первый шаг к самоизлечению от «мудачества».
В самом конце в книге приводятся советы по совсем тяжёлым ситуациям, например, что делать, если ваш близкий хочет покончить с собой.
Я действительно не ожидал, что книга окажется настолько интересной и полезной. Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life It's sort of like a pop psych version of The Prince, but instead of manipulating snooty European nobles with near truths and tactical surrenders, you use it on coworkers and loved ones when they're acting screwy.
Goulston gives examples of the various crazy people will act out in their day to day lives -- focusing primarily on every day, garden variety crazy, not axe murderer crazy -- and how to disarm it. Most of these disarmaments require a sacrifice of dignity. You'll be flattering them unduly, you'll be lying about their capability, you'll be pretending they're right or that you're scared or something like that as a means of leaning into their crazy which gives you the leverage to frog-march them back into sanity.
He seems like an excellent psychiatrist, if duplicitous. I like the prospect of leaning into crazy. People get really embedded in delusional thinking, and to challenge that delusion challenges their whole self-concept, which feels like an attack not only on the individual, but on the whole foundation of the individual's world. Burning it down and salting the earth. So when you try to talk somebody out of crazy, it feels like bombardment, and they'll start deploying whatever weapons they have to stop what they perceive as your assault. And guess what? Those weapons? Real crazy.
Whereas, leaning into crazy, it's like a trojan horse. They won't realize you're dragging them back into sanity until it's too late, at which point they won't be irrational anymore, which is the point.
Goulston's methods are sketchy because yes, they are deliberately, premeditatedly manipulative. In that respect, it reads like a pick-up artist book. Here's a list of canned responses and insight into the psychology of others to coax them into doing what you want. It's just, in this case, doing what you want is acting like a reasonable adult, and I think that's probably the greater good.
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life Із самого початку ця книга (можливо через переклад, але вже не буду цього з'ясовувати) має проблему із визначеннями основних понять. Психи - це люди, які поводяться безглуздо. Цього, на думку визначного психіатра і науковця, достатньо, щоб навішати ярлики на людей. Тобто читач бере книгу і з допомогою порад автора починає сприймати навколишніх людей як психів тільки тому, що вони безглуздо себе поводять. Будь-який маніпулятор може взяти собі поради на озброєння і потім газлайтити партнерів/друзів/рідних. Деякі розділи ще можна читати і знаходити зерня правди, але від видатного психіатра очікував етичності, методичності і системності підходу, а не якоїсь відвертої дурні. Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life
Let’s face it, we all know people who are irrational. No matter how hard you try to reason with them, it never works. So what’s the solution? How do you talk to someone who’s out of control? What can you do with a boss who bullies, a spouse who yells, or a friend who frequently bursts into tears?
In his book, Just Listen, Mark Goulston shared his bestselling formula for getting through to the resistant people in your life. Now, in his breakthrough new book Talking to Crazy, he brings his communication magic to the most difficult group of all—the downright irrational.
As a psychiatrist, Goulston has seen his share of crazy and he knows from experience that you can’t simply argue it away. The key to handling irrational people is to learn to lean into the crazy—to empathize with it. That radically changes the dynamic and transforms you from a threat into an ally. Talking to Crazy explains this counterintuitive Sanity Cycle and reveals:
• Why people act the way they do
• How instinctive responses can exacerbate the situation—and what to do instead
• When to confront a problem and when to walk away
• How to use a range of proven techniques including Time Travel, the Fish-bowl, and the Belly Roll
• And much more
You can’t reason with unreasonable people—but you can reach them. This powerful and practical book shows you how.
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your LifeOne of the most useful self-help books I've ever read. It provides realistic tips on how to interact with irrational people at home and at work, in relationships and in personal interactions.
The book is divided into five sections.
Section One: The basics of talking to crazy. Finding out how to spot what's making someone irrational.
Section Two: Facing your own crazy. So you know what makes yourself tick so you don't let others push your buttons.
Section Three: Fourteen tactics for how to talk to crazy. The real meat of the book. Mainly focuses on how to deal with crazy coworkers (the backstabbing snitch, the scary sociopath out to screw you over, the dysfunctional overwhelmed crybaby).
Section Four: Eight ways to deal with crazy in your personal life. A few tips on how to deal with relationship problems, breakups, kids and aging parents. Useful but probably could have been spun off into it's own book.
Section Five: What to do when crazy is actually mental illness. How to spot disturbing behavior, such as suicidal thoughts, that require professional help. He makes a good point that we could avoid tragedies like the Sandy Hook massacre if we had a better safety net for mental illness. Even if folks do seek treatment, they often get sent away with useless checklists and unnecessary medication. Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life (Updated 2020) This isn't groundbreaking, but it's readable and I have found it to be very helpful.
Crazy is used specifically to mean NOT mentally ill. Crazy more or less means upset/temporarily irrational. For these people, the author recommends that one listen, let them vent, try to see their point of view, but not agree to anything unacceptable. His point is that most people who are just having a bad day or whatever will respond to this, show remorse for their crazy behavior and start acting appropriately. In my experience, this works well.
On the other hand, when you try talking to the truly toxic individuals, they will declare themselves by doubling down on crazy and escalating their bad behavior. Generally, that works for them because most people don't want to stand up to raging jerks. If one continues to set limits though, they will give up and find another victim.
The author gives some tips for detecting personality disorders and other actual diagnoses. For those people the advice is to leave them to the professionals. Do NOT get sucked into their psychodrama.
The book is a series of examples from a psychiatrist's experience.
To understand more about the types to avoid trying to reason with: The Sociopath Next Door Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life Everyone has a crazy person in his or her workplace or family. (If you don’t think you do, it’s probably you. The old saw is pretty true.) Whether it’s Uncle Silas, who can’t stop spouting the latest nonsense from Fox News or Donald Trump; a hypercritical or manipulative parent or sibling, a backstabbing or shiftless coworker, or an insufferable mom who’s the president of your child’s PTA, they’re out there. Author Mark Goulston, himself a psychiatrist, gives wonderful advice for “leaning into the crazy” — not necessarily capitulating to the crazies in your life, but playing along enough to at least get them to listen to you or change their behavior. (I’ve learned that you can’t change anyone’s behavior — you can only change your own, thereby changing the dynamic.)
I’ve read other books about dealing with difficult people, but none of them can compare with this gem. And, for those listening to this book in the audio format, narrator L. J. Ganser, is superb. Highly recommended. Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life Книга замечательная. Каждый день на работе, учебе, в автобусе, в магазине и даже дома мы сталкиваемся с бытовыми психами - людьми, которые ведут себя неадекватно, иррационально. Эта книга поможет, узнать, как с ними бороться и стоит ли. Самое важное, что я подчеркнула из этой книги : всем нужна коммуникация. Психами не рождаются, ими становятся. От недосказанности, от внутренней борьбы с собственными развивающими мыслями, от обид, о которых мы боимся рассказать и всей боли в сердце, которую невозможно унять. Автор раскладывает все по полочкам, и где-то в этих психах можно найти и себя. Живыми примерами наряду с теорией Марк делится со своими читателями. 5 из 5. Лучшее, что я читала из психологии. Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life Unexpectedly great. Finally, a self- help book that might actually help those in need.
I love psychology and neuroscience but find that most authors who write about these subjects using a self-help approach are far from what I would call scientists. I have a shelf called Authors who want to make a buck, into which books like this one usually go. When I begin reading any self help type book, especially one whose author claims to be some type of expert in any field of psychology, I assume that book will receive one star and a spot on that shelf. When I started to read this, the tone was so self-help oriented, I was sure that was where this book would end up. Also, at times this book could have been titled How to out-manipulate the manipulator, which made me initially view the author as fairly manipulative in his own right. The title seemed elitist and judgmental. However, the more I read, the more impressed I became. I even toyed with giving this book 5 stars because it exceeded all of my expectations.
This book had all the necessary pragmatic tools for dealing with manipulative personality types, like George Simon's Sheep's Clothing book, while somehow still maintaining an enormous amount of compassion for most personality types (something racist, classist, Simon was unable to do in his books). When dealing with sociopaths, Goulston offered the same advice as all his other credible peers: threaten to expose the sociopath if they do not leave you alone and cut all ties if you can. However, when dealing with just about every other type, Goulston had a much different approach than most of his peers. He did not take the hard line like Simon but he did not take the you are hurting inside approach that leads to enabling manipulators to continue to treat other's poorly. Goulston had the most balanced approach to treating patients as well as people we encounter in life that I have ever seen.
In order to gain readership, Goulston engaged in sensational or edgy labeling-- thus the Talking to Crazy title of this book. It was bit off-putting, only because of its condescending nature. However, when Goulston's book is read in its entirety, it is clear how much respect he has for many different types of people, situations, feelings, etc. In this book, he provided an extremely balanced and thoughtful approach to dealing with people in a (mostly) honest, respectful, and no nonsense way.
Most books that deal with DSM diagnoses are as messy as the DSM itself. It's hard to call the diagnostic criteria in the DSM science because it is so subjective. Authors who get stuck on trying to fit each person into a category often fail at logic. Their scenarios often provide advice such as, Do x when you encounter this personality type, but sometimes do the opposite of x. It's usually a huge illogical mess. However, this author explains different situations with different personality types and is able to break free from the limitations imposed by the DSM. All of his descriptions are easy to understand, they cut through the crap, and they actually offer extremely useful approaches for each situation. I have been very lucky to not have to deal with too many offensive types. But, if I had a problem, I would definitely look to this book.
I would highly recommend this book for:
Anyone dealing with a manipulative person
Anyone who loves someone with mental illness and would like to help them without losing themselves in the process
Anyone interested in approaches in psychotherapy
Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life
